Mrs. Edith Schaeffer was
once asked how she could stand being married to the
same man for 40 years. She
answered, "He's not the same man that I married."
After fifty-two years of
marriage, my wife says the same thing about her
husband. Both of
us, in fact, have changed. One of the areas of change involves
our understanding
of "headship"--the biblical teaching that the husband is the head
of the
wife.
A young husband once came to me
in frustration saying that his bride expected
him to be her spiritual leader
and teacher. "How can I do that when she knows the
Bible better than I do and is
qualified to lead and teach me? Yet the Bible says
that I am the head of my wife?"
(Eph. 5:23)
His question leads to several
more: Should a mature Christian girl with a good
knowledge of the Bible marry
only someone she considers to be her spiritual
superior? Should a man seek to
marry a girl less mature than himself so he can
lead and teach her? How can a
woman seeking to obey the instruction in 1 Corinthians 14:35 trust the judgment of
someone who may know less than she does? Does the teaching about headship
even apply today?
These questions reflect some of
the uncertainty and frustration surrounding the
biblical teaching of headship.
Over the years I have become increasingly convinced that the proper understanding
and practice of headship within marriage is indeed relevant for today and that it
does not lead to frustration--but to peace, harmony, fulfillment, and wonderful
flexibility.
Biblical headship places a
premium on companionship. In the opening pages of
the Bible we find the Lord God
saying, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for
him" (Gen. 2:18, niv). In the closing pages of the
Old Testament, God describes a
man's wife as his companion (Mal. 2:14). A helping companion is a partner, not a
servant.
This beautiful partnership is
illustrated in the New Testament by Aquila and
Priscilla. Under the word
"Priscilla" my concordance states: "See Aquila." There
is not a single reference in
the Bible where they are not mentioned together. We
find them making a living
together (Acts 18:2-3). They went out as missionaries
together (Acts 18:18-19). In a
private setting they taught the Word of God together (Acts 18:26). Together they
hosted a church that met in their home (1 Cor. 16:19). And together they risked
their lives--"laid down their own necks" to save the life of the Apostle Paul (Rom.
16:3-4).
One of the keys to biblical
headship is delegated authority. Back in World War II
the ship I was on approached a
harbor that was unfamiliar to our captain. A small
boat came out from the port and
a local man offered to guide us in. The captain
wisely accepted and this man
took over as our pilot, guiding the ship safely into
the harbor. Who was in charge
of our ship while the local pilot was at the helm?
Was it the pilot or the
captain? The captain was in charge. Not for a moment
did he relinquish
his position as head-of-the-ship (headship). He was
always responsible for it and would be accountable if anything went
wrong. But in his humility and wisdom he delegated authority to one more
qualified in a particular area for the welfare of all.
Both the Old Testament and New
Testament suggest that the frustrated young husband tell his new bride something like
this: "Honey, the Bible teaches that I am to function as the captain in our
relationship, but we both know that in some areas you have more understanding than I
do. You understand the Bible better than I do. You have been a Christian
longer than I have. Moreover, you have many natural talents that I lack. As my
helper and companion, I want you to teach and assist me in every way you can." If
she comes to him with a question that he cannot answer, he could say, "I don't
know the answer. Will you help me find it? If we can't find it by ourselves, then
let's ask someone who does know." A husband has not given up his headship by
asking his wife for help any more than the captain gave up his authority when he
received help from the pilot.
Are you a young woman
entertaining thoughts of marriage? Look for a humble
man. Humility is more important
than knowledge. No man knows all that he needs to know, but a humble man is
willing to learn. Are you a young man thinking about marriage? Seek the most
godly, mature partner possible. If God gives you a companion and a helper, let
her function as your companion and helper. Do not lord it over her or take
advantage of her, but draw her out to become all that she can possibly be. Are
you a married man who realizes that you have not practiced biblical headship the
way you should have practiced it? We cannot undo the past. What is done, is
done. Let us humble ourselves before our wives, confessing our faults and
resolving with God's help to do it right from now
on.
Christ is our head, but He has
delegated a great deal of authority to His body, the
church. As Christ encourages us
to use our gifts and talents to the fullest potential
for His kingdom and glory, so
we should encourage our wives to use their gifts
and talents to the fullest
potential within God's will.
We have benefited from this
principle of delegated authority in areas that involve
the household. One of the
requirements for elders and deacons as taught in 1
Timothy 3 is that they rule
their households well. However, in 1 Timothy 5:14 the
Apostle Paul desires that the
women rule their house. This seems to indicate
delegated authority with the
wife given much freedom in her God-given sphere of
the home.
In our home my wife is more
disciplined than her husband. He recognized this
long ago and is very thankful
for it. We had family devotions following the
evening meal. The new nature in
the husband wanted to be regular in this good
habit, but sometimes the flesh
was weak, maybe tired or forgetful. He encouraged
her to help him. When she
handed him the Bible it would get him back on track.
So between the two, our
children, some of them grandparents today, had their
regular devotions and were
blessed.
There were times when there was
strife between husband and wife. He had the ability to put it out of his mind and go
to sleep. She would be laying there wide awake, troubled, thinking of God's
command, "Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath." So in obedience to the
command from a higher authority, she would wake him up to see the trouble resolved.
What a helper she has been!
The headship of the man was
established with creation (1 Cor. 11:3, 8-9). In
Genesis 3:16, God states, "Your
husband shall rule over you." This statement was
not given to Adam but to Eve.
It seems to be a prediction of the subjection that
wives would endure as a
consequence of the fall. Man's carnal nature would
raise its selfish
head and wives would suffer for it. This prediction has been
fulfilled throughout the sad history of mankind up to the present day.
This treatment of women should not characterize the relationship of husbands
and wives who have become new creatures in Christ, who have a new Spirit and a
new nature. Our wives are our companions, helpers, and sisters in
Christ.
In Titus 2:5, Paul instructed
the older women to teach the younger women to be
obedient to their husbands. A
man who wants a female servant might use this
verse to lash his wife into
servitude, but what does that do to companionship and
the sense of being
co-workers?
Two things need to be said
regarding Titus 2:5. First of all, men have no
business teaching
women to be obedient to their husbands. That is a job for the
older women.
Secondly, the word for obedience in Titus 2:5 is different from the
word used in
Ephesians 6:1 where children are instructed to obey their parents.
Parents can
command their children to do something and discipline them if they
don't, but that
is not God's plan for a husband and wife. The word in Titus 2:5 is
the word for
submission that occurs in Ephesians 5:22 where wives are told to
submit to their
husbands. Godly submission is the willing choice to defer to
another. Obedience is an act; submission is an
attitude.
Husbands have no authority to
command submission. Only God has that authority. We cannot even refer our wives
to Ephesians 5:22 without being reminded of Ephesians 5:21 which commands
all of us to submit to one another. The only leverage biblical headship has
is the leverage of love. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the
church, and gave Himself for it" (Eph. 5:25).
One of the first things we learn
by observing Jesus is that He Himself recognized
the divine order and submitted
to it. He acknowledged the headship of His heavenly Father. Even as God the Father
is the head of Christ, and Christ is the head of man, so man is the head of the
woman (1 Cor. 11:3). Man is the head of woman by divine appointment. Headship has
nothing to do with intelligence, gift, ability, or maturity. It does not
originate with culture but with creation (1 Cor.
11:8). It has to do with being
a man. Man is not more free to abandon his post
than a woman is to usurp it.
The divine order is not our choice. That is one of the
first things that Jesus teaches
us about headship, and that we must embrace when
we become His followers. God's
order, if followed, will eliminate all quarreling,
fighting and bitterness. It is
a way to resolve all differences when husband and
wife have exhausted all avenues
for agreement. What are these avenues?
Pray
together.
Respect each other's
intelligence.
Honestly listen to each other
and each be satisfied they have been heard and
understood.
If after all this,
communication has been kindly and humbly practiced, and
there is still no
agreement, the husband must make the decision and assume
the responsibility. The wife then needs to submit and by faith
trust God for the results. If time proves him wrong he will be a little more
ready to trust his helper in the future. Regardless of what time reveals, each partner
did their part and each has a clear conscience.
Listen: submission should be the
last resort. What should a godly husband be like?
Would you not agree that if he
were just like our Lord Jesus Christ he'd be the
perfect head of wife and
family? Husbands, should we not regularly ask
ourselves, "Am I now
considering and dealing with my wife as Jesus
would?"
To be like the Lord Jesus is so
general. It covers so much. How can I get a handle
on that ocean of goodness? We
could remember His unselfishness, courteousness,
helpfulness, kindness, etc.
Yet, what characteristic above all others may cover it
all in relation to the
husband's headship?
As our Lord Jesus came near to
Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, the ancient prophecy
from Zechariah was fulfilled,
"Behold, your king is coming to you, lowly, and
sitting on a donkey..." On
another occasion He said, "Come unto Me...learn of
Me...for I am meek and lowly in
heart and ye shall find rest for your souls" (Mt.
11:28-30). The one spiritual
attribute above all that should characterize headship
is humility. Humility is also
the key to the women's role of submission.
Yes, we have changed in more
than 50 years together. We have learned more about companionship and being helpers
together. The husband has come to appreciate his wife's abilities. He can
delegate responsibility without giving up his
role as head of the wife, but
most of all, his wife's input and concerns are
encouraged and considered in
decisions. She has peace in knowing she has been
heard. Having a better
understanding of biblical headship earlier in life
could have saved
us many tears and regrets.
Experience has taught that
marriage can be one of companionship and peace,
resulting in blessing in the
home and honor to God.
Don and his wife make their
home in Lawrence, KS. He is an elder in the Lawrence Bible Chapel
there.
South
African Bible Believers